Hi Folks,
Today is the day I never wanted to come.. The day I’m back in Germany knowing that all my friends and my family is sitting 4.331 miles away and I won’t see them anymore. Saying goodbye to them was defiantly the worse moment in my life! I left them 16 days ago and I already miss them like crazy! I didn’t cry on the day I had to say goodbye to all my friends because it didn’t feel real at all. It felt like giving them a normal hug and I wanted to say „See ya“ but as soon as I was sitting in the car knowing that I won’t see them again I started crying. Everybody snapped me saying how much they already miss me and I had so many tears in my eyes that I couldn’t even read what they were saying. It was my last night in my new home, it was my last time saying good night to my family, it was my last time sleeping in my room, it was my last time waking up in the morning seeing their smile. It was my last time for everything. When my German mom said “Let’s go Anna, we have to go” I said “Wait, where do we have to go? My home is here.” but this time I didn’t get a choice we had to go… The whole way to the airport I was crying and snapping my sister and everybody. The whole time we were on vacation in Boston, New York, Quebec and all those beautiful places everybody wishes to visit, I just wanted to go back. When my dad asked “Where do you wanna go next“ I said “Home” but it was impossible to come back to Wisconsin and it would have been harder to leave again. I didn’t even want to put my hair back down (believe me I had to shower sometime) because my mom braided it for me and I knew she will never do it again in a long time! I still feel empty and my heart still hurts and it just feels wrong! When I was sitting on the plane reading my goodbye book I had to start over and over every time because I couldn’t do it. Sitting here in Germany and people are talking German instead of English, people are calling me Anna instead of Kern and nobody laughs anymore when I say Snickerdoodle or veggies, when I wear my shower bun. Everybody just tells me “It’s okay.. You will come back sometime.. You can always visit.. We will still be in touch..” and so on and so on… But it won’t be the same. I won’t get to play volleyball or softball again, I won’t get to be part of the high school anymore, I won’t get to see everybody every day in school, nobody will ask for my help in Calculus anymore.. I will be a guest every time I come back and not a student or athlete or exchange student or anything. Nobody in Germany will understand when I show them a picture from my exchange year, when I tell them how much I miss America, when I start another sentence with “When I was in America…”. Nobody makes fun of my accent anymore, nobody makes fun of me anymore when I still don’t know how to get from my house to Barron after a year. I can’t go on four wheeler rides anymore or go tubing with my friends and family.. Sometimes I wish I would have never done this year just because I would never had to deal with those feelings now. But it was the best year of my life and I would always do it again and again. If somebody would ask me „Do you wanna go to Wisconsin?” I would jump up, pack my bag and I would be ready in an hour to leave! The whole time during the road trip it seemed like I’m on vacation and I will be returning to my home afterwards but when I landed in Germany, I knew there was no back. 😭 I learned that it doesn’t matter if you spend your exchange year on the beach in California or in San Francisco, all that matters is with who you spend it and not where. An exchange year is like a roller coaster ride! Both have up’s and down’s, they can be scary and beautiful at the same time and they both go by too fast and in the end, you are sad that it´s over, proud that you survived and you just wanna do it again. As soon as I was sitting in the plane and the doors closed I knew another chapter of my life was over. Somebody just closed the book. Nobody asked me if I was done with the chapter, I had to. I never realized that is it over until I had to write my Germany address on papers again instead the American one, until I calculated tax on stuff where is it already included, until I planned my goodbye-party and my German friends already planned a welcome-back-party for me, until I missed America even though I was still there, until I wanted to order something online and I realized it won’t come in time anymore. Those are the moments you just want stop the time, turn around and go again! Thank you to everybody who made my year amazing and memorable! Miss and love you all ❤️
my year in the usa 